What does God have to do with self-harm?

I’m stumped. I’ve been rewriting and deleting and editing this whole document because I really don’t know how to say what’s on my mind. I want to share with you the raw truth, but a part of me hesitates because it is terrifying to display oneself to the world. I’m afraid of offending people. I’m afraid that people will still not understand. I’m afraid of triggering people. I’m afraid people will think I’m looking for attention. I’m just afraid. Anyway, here it goes.

Self-harm. I’ve been more aware of it lately because it is still something I struggle with here and there. The temptation never goes away. Sometimes, it’s stronger than usual. Other days, I forget about it altogether. I’m reminded, though, when I’m at work and hand people their cash and they stare. Although, they could be staring at my hands and making sure I count their money right, I still catch people’s eyes following my wrist as I grab a receipt for them. I think it’s normal to stare at things we aren’t used to seeing.

My first feeling is embarrassment. They’re just scars at this point. A memory. Yet, I still wonder if people think I’m crazy or wonder if they feel uncomfortable. It’s an unspoken understanding between us that we just don’t bring it up. A handful of clients have asked before, and although I don’t mind if people ask, I still have a hard time giving a short explanation as to why I have scars on my wrist.

It all started when I was born…. Just kidding. It was in high school. I was on a mission trip when I listened to two girls share their struggle with self-harm. This stuck with me, as if I stored it in some compartment in my brain for later use. I guess I had a feeling I would need it later since things were starting to crumble. At the time, I was entering my senior year with zero plans for what to do after, I was in a relationship that was falling apart, my family was in the middle of a difficult move and my belief in God was deteriorating. Very dark days were ahead of me and this was just the beginning.

I finally broke a year later as many overwhelming circumstances crashed all at once and I pulled that memory of the two girls back to the forefront of my mind. It was Easter. I got home and locked my door. It became my way of coping with almost everything.

Let me explain something to you. My reasons for self-harm are not everyone else’s. There are a variety of reasons why people engage in it and sometimes the reasons change over time. For me, I think there were two main things that kept me going back. One was to relieve the strong emotions I felt. Thoughts get loud and emotions even louder. They become too much and in order to quiet them, I would lock my door. Another reason was because I felt like I needed to punish myself. I went off the deep end for a while and made decisions that were extremely reckless and harmful to others. Instead of facing them head on, I isolated myself and condemned myself to no end.

There was a moment after some years when I made the conscious decision to not use it as a coping mechanism.

I decided to stand up for myself and the guy I was with didn’t like it. So, he left me. I wanted to harm myself so badly because I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt. I questioned why I had to let him go; I eventually cried out to God in anger and confusion. I was following His orders after all. I finally released control. But not in a powerless way. In that moment, I trusted and believed in something bigger than myself, someone bigger than myself. I finally had hope that everything would work out and work out well. I sat down on my living room floor and started to paint to keep my hands occupied. My friends came over shortly after I called them.

Four years later, I slipped up again. Instead of spiraling out of control to the point of getting stuck, I sought help. I immediately told Austin. We saw my counselor together that week to come up with a plan. I started medication. We went on a retreat-type vacation together to spend intentional, carved out time with God. This time was different from the others where I had relapsed.

It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that I’ll struggle with this for the rest of my life. I’m hoping the medicine will help. The depressive episodes happened so frequently this year and it was extremely difficult to overcome them. I did all the things you’re supposed to do. I challenged the negative thoughts, I continued to exercise regularly, I ate well, I kept a consistent sleep schedule, I prayed, I read Scripture, I continued to participate in my normal routine. I looked normal on the outside, but on the inside, I was contemplating the purpose of even being here.

Jesus doesn’t promise an easy go once you start following Him. He actually promises difficulty, but He also promises to be there with you through it all. Looking back and even during those moments, my relationship with Him is what kept me going. He reminded me that I’d eventually be okay. He surrounded me with support from friends and family. He had been encouraging me through my counseling these past several years; the training in pursuing a healthier mindset helped me from getting stuck. His words in Psalm 42 brought my heart comfort when I felt like He didn’t care. He is the reason I am still here. He continues to reassure me that He’s always faithful to me and I will get to experience that more in 2022.

Friends and strangers, if you know someone who struggles with mental illness, please check in on them. Even if it seems like they’ve been doing well for a long time, they could be in a very dark place. Even if they are doing well when you check in on them, you are showing them that you’re a person they can reach out to in the future when they are in a dark place.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

~Written December 31st, 2021