Bipolar Thoughts
Sometimes I forget that I struggle with bipolar disorder. It’s the moment I crash after feeling on top of the world for several days that I remember it. The depression and irritability that follows immediately after is one of the most frustrating things. I want to be back to feeling unstoppable. I realize, after some consideration, that being in that hypomanic state is detrimental to me and those around me as I tend to get lost in my own world and forget about reality.
I don’t think people understand the truth of bipolar disorder, that it really isn’t rapid mood swings. Some people hold that misconception, and I have been around others who have called moody people “bipolar” in front me without knowing my diagnosis. This misconception has kept me from openly talking about my struggle with bipolar disorder; but as I am growing as a person and even working on becoming a counselor, I can’t help but ask myself this: how are people going to understand if you never tell them?
I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder type II by two different psychiatrists because I really wanted to be sure. As I began to understand my illness, I got to see through my own experience that the changes in mood do not happen minute by minute, but rather week by week or month by month. Bipolar II consists of at least one hypomanic episode and one major depressive episode in a person’s lifetime. Hypomania is an elevation in mood accompanied by behaviors such as increased impulsivity, restlessness, and overconfidence, to name a few; this lasts for at least four days. A depressive episode is where a person experiences low mood accompanied by low motivation, feelings of hopelessness, and loss of pleasure or interest in activities among other things; this state has to last for at least two weeks. Some of my own depressive episodes have lasted for months on end; I even experienced a hypomanic state at one point that continued for three months straight. The illness is far from rapid; if anything, it is a prolonged encounter with either mood, and how a person maneuvers through these moods and their alterations determines their well-being.
Personally, I used to not handle these bipolar episodes well at all. I handled my darkest depressive states by dropping out of college, isolating myself, and self-harming. I handled my most extreme hypomanic, borderline-manic stages by acting extremely reckless in ways I am still embarrassed by today. It wasn’t until I started following Jesus that these episodes became less severe. By that, I do not mean that the moods are less severe; rather, my behavior is steadier and my episodes are more spread out. So now when depression hits me like a ton of bricks and the absence of motivation makes even the idea of moving exhausting, I get up anyway. When hypomania captivates my mood and the idea of acting on my impulses seems enticing, I refrain. How exactly did this drastic change happen? My most severe episodes cycled through for three years straight; the consequences of my choices in that short period of time are still present today. Have you ever done something so bad that you searched for forgiveness but just could not find it no matter how desperately you looked? That’s where I was after three years: completely empty and helpless. It wasn’t until I genuinely surrendered my life to Jesus that my world drastically changed for the better. This did not happen overnight, though. Healing and growing takes time and struggle; but I would not have it any other way.
So, when I am facing those really low depression weeks or really tempting hypomanic phases, I remember. I remember that it is Jesus taking my hand to help me out of bed. I remember the reckless mistakes I made and how Jesus has so graciously cleansed me from each and every one. I remember that it is Jesus who is my source of strength when battling with temptation. I remember that while the episodes are temporary, the consequences can be a lifetime. I remember that I am not struggling alone; that Jesus came to have a relationship with me and that meant in all of my highs and all of my lows. I remember above all else that my identity is not in my struggle with bipolar disorder; my identity is in Christ’s redeeming love.
~Written October 6th, 2020