Perfect Love Casts Out Fear
I was in heaven and my memories from earth were long forgotten. I was standing shoulder to shoulder in a line among other believers, looking into the faces of people entering heaven. Their experiences of persecution on earth were fresh on their minds. A youth pastor introduced them to us, explaining what had happened, and that’s when we recalled what life was like on earth: full of pain, despair, and cruelty. A woman from my Sunday school class was there and so was one of my ex-boyfriend’s mothers. We locked eyes and tears started streaming down our cheeks: we knew we were redeemed. They both approached me for an embrace, but my Sunday school friend reached me first.
I tried finding opportunities to speak with my ex’s mother, but we kept running into others and talking. We eventually sat down to eat pizza and that’s when I spotted my ex. He was supposed to preach a sermon later.
Everyone congregated to hear him speak, and I made a point to sit in front of him. He spoke about forgiveness, making a point to look me in the eyes. He then pulled out a piece of notebook paper. It was a copy of the email I wrote to him some years ago, apologizing for cheating on him. He read it out loud, intently looking at me with an expression full of grace and mercy. His words reflected his heart: he forgave me and wanted me to live free from my past. He communicated that he was proud to see me following Christ and involving myself in the church.
I wrote him a new letter years after that first email to express my sorrows and to share with him the impact his forgiveness made on my life and in my walk with Jesus. The email I wrote to him was full of pride, shame, and frustration, so I wanted to share my new heart and genuinely ask for his forgiveness this time. I started searching for him, becoming nervous at the thought of sharing. Suddenly, I bumped into my husband and worship pastor. That’s when I heard my ex’s voice; I turned around and saw him holding the gym door open, inviting them in to play football. I decided to follow after them.
I suddenly woke up; it was 3:30 in the morning. I was wide awake, so I immediately wrote down my dream. I hadn’t realized that I held onto the shame of my past mistake for so long. I knew it was Jesus communicating His love, forgiveness, and joy to me in my dream. However, the devil took this opportunity to instill fear in me.
I started having frequent nightmares revolving around death. Fear paralyzed me. Panic attacks set in and I was hyper-aware of how any given situation could result in death. Episodes came on without warning and in places that made no sense like at coffee shops and restaurants. I would become lightheaded and nauseous, coming close to passing out or throwing up. I was consumed by these feelings and had no idea how to navigate them. I frantically prayed that God would keep my loved ones safe and I felt despair at the thought of losing any one of them. I wondered if maybe God was using this to prepare me because someone in my life was going to die soon.
It’s Wednesday. The sun is brightly shining and I randomly have time to sell some books that have sat in the back of my car for several months; I decide to drive myself over to Half Price Books. A staff member meets me in the parking lot to stack the boxes onto a cart because I have so many. She informs me that it will take a while, so I meander around the store only to find myself in the Christian Fiction section. I skim through the pages of books that catch my eye; I note which titles have more copies than others, and I give special attention to the authors I admire. My eyes are now in the “P” section, and I become intrigued by the title of a book: “90 Minutes”. The author’s name on it is Piper, so I automatically assume it’s by John Piper. I don’t recall his testimony including a trip to heaven and back, assuming that’s what this book’s about. I immediately take the book off the shelf, and find that it’s written by a man named Don Piper. Aha! That’s what I thought.Although my confusion is put to rest, curiosity suddenly consumes me, and I inevitably open the pages to see what’s inside.
Don Piper goes into great detail to describe his experience of spending 90 minutes in heaven as… indescribable. How the sights and smells and sounds are too amazing to put into human words. He was greeted by those who made an impact on his walk with Christ, whether it was directly or indirectly. He relishes in the love and peace and joy he felt; he never once thought about his former life. Just as he was about to enter the pearly gates, he woke up.
“Sarah, your order is complete – please come to the customer service desk.” I close the book. I lift my eyes and stand still for a moment – I slowly become aware of my surroundings again. I realize I spent the last 20 minutes in Don Piper’s story, soaking it all in. I place the book back on the shelf, and make my way to the front of the store. They hand me my cash, and I walk through the double glass doors, noticing that I feel light on my feet. Peace overwhelms my soul, and it dawns on me: the Lord brought me to Half Price Books today to comfort me and to remind me. To comfort me with His truth: that I shouldn’t mourn as the world does because I have hope in the fact that Jesus died for me and rose again – He has power over death. To remind me that my home is not here on earth, but in heaven with Him. To relieve me of my fears; that life on the other side for those who belong to Jesus is so much better.
~Written August 4th, 2024